September 13, 2021
Before I came to Adeara, I was in a dark place. I lost my brother and my dad. My daughter Matt-Lynn had been taken away from me. Through those dark years everyone around me was telling me “You just need to pray.” I thought, “Pray, yeah right.” I’d go back to the way it was in my childhood.
I lost all faith in a God when I was 12. I started using hard drugs and selling drugs. I guess you can say I grew up way too fast. My uncle abused me at the age of 9 and another uncle again at the age of 11 to 13. I had no trust in this God who I thought was supposed to protect me. I went from 9 to 19 fast. I was in and out of jail my whole life and in abusive relationships. Then I got pregnant and my ex beat me up so bad I lost my baby at 8 months. The doctor said I’d never have a baby again. I was so sad. All I ever wanted was to be a mom—a good mom—but once again this God person let me down. So, I was dead inside.
My best friend James said, “Why do you think you feel so much craziness in your heart?” I corrected him and said, “I’m not capable of love. I have way too much hate in my heart.” This was right after I took my brother Peter o life support on December 1st, 2017. He had overdosed on fentanyl in the Edmonton Remand Centre. Just before that, my dad had hung himself. So, dealing with loss after loss, I just gave up.
I started to use even harder. I shut down 100 per cent. I lied and pushed my family away. I was so mean to my mom. In my head, she gave birth to me, she’s the reason I’m here, so I hated her. I hated life. Then I went to jail and found out I was 6 1⁄2 months pregnant with Matt-Lynn. 😊
I couldn’t believe it. I was released into sober living but got back together with Matt-Lynn’s abusive dad. Child Protective Services took her from the hospital. Once again, all hope was gone. I started using again, harder than I’d ever done before.
I overdosed and died when Matt-Lynn was two on April 12, 2020. My mother revived me. When I came to in the hospital the doctor said, “Don’t worry, your baby’s fine.” I was pregnant with Kylee. I was already on the waitlist for Adeara and had warrants out for my arrest.
So, I thought, “I need to go to jail. I’ve got to get away from Kylee’s dad and get sober.” I ended up going to jail December 30, 2020. By this time, I stopped doing hard drugs and was only smoking weed. By January 1, 2021, I had drugs out of my system.
I ended up having my baby in jail. While I was there the Crown said they didn’t care if I’d just had a baby. I wasn’t getting out of jail and Adeara didn’t have any room. I was praying, “God please. If this is what I’m supposed to do, I’ll do it with all of me. I just want to be a mom.”
I got back from the hospital to jail and the guards said, “Call your lawyer.” So, I called, and my lawyer said, “You’re getting out and going to Adeara.” I called my worker and she said, “There’s a bed at Adeara for you.”
I was so happy for the first few months. I was here only for my babies. As time went by, I opened up to counsellors. Almost 6 months later I’m finally here for me. I love myself, my family and everyone. Most of all, I love God. I look back and see how far I’ve come these past 6 months and it’s crazy—from so dark to so bright. I finally have hope, it’s crazy. I love that I’m not filled with hate anymore and I can see a future.
My dad left me property when he passed away, so I want to start a youth group there. There’s an old church on the property and a house. I want to use the house for moms and the church for kid’s activities. I have my Business Corporation Management, so I can own my own business. That’s what I want to do, because I want to help kids. I know that trauma comes from a young age, so I’d like to help teens who have experienced sexual abuse and addiction.
Randi, Adeara Resident